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學測衝刺教學:102年度學測英文作文分享 - 看圖寫作

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  • 2014-09-22
  • 繼前一篇 103 學測英文作文分享,今天再賞析一篇「大學堂英文」學測衝刺教學同學就 102 年學測英文看圖寫作為題所寫成的作品。

    感謝「大學堂英文」學測衝刺教學 武陵高中陳同學的分享

    初稿:老師於課堂上講解寫作方向,提示詞彙片語後,請同學於週間完成初稿,並寄至學測衝刺教學指定信箱。

    After finishing a long school day, finally could I take the MRT to go home.(評)否定字放句首才需倒裝。When I walked on the car, (評)上車 get on / 下車 get off。I was so lucky to find a seat. Though it was a priority seat, I still sat down without hesitation because I was really tired. As soon as I sat down, I had my cellphone out and started to scroll through enthusiastic updates on Facebook and responded messages on Line. While I was busy typing text messages to my friends, I noticed a weak man with white-haired stand behind me. He suffered from shaking in legs when standing and seemed to collapse at any moment. I knew I should yield the seat to him, but fatigued as I was, I decided to pretend that I wasn't aware of him.(評)Adj as S + V = Though S + V,這句型意指「雖然…」,用在這,句意不順,需修改,且fatigue 多做名詞使用。Therefore, I kept typing my messages and also played a few rounds of my favorite cellphone games, Candy Crush.(評)上一句pretend that I wasn’t aware…和這一句kept typing 沒有因果關係,故可刪除therefore。I ignored the dirty looks and whispers from other passengers. Although I felt a little ashamed, I still did nothing until I got to my destination.(評)不是沒做事,而是持續玩手機玩到下車。

    After a few days, I played a basketball game during the PE class. Just at the moment that I ran to guard against Johnny that I badly bumped with someone.(評)沒有主詞和動詞,無法構成句子,建議改成:Just at the moment that I ran to guard against Johnny, I bumped into…。It was such a hard hit that I bloodied my nose and sprained my ankle. I was asked to walk on crutches until my ankle was healing.

    On that day, when I walked on the MRT difficultly, I found there is no spare seats.(評)difficultly 不常用,建議善用動詞描繪上車情況,讓讀者明白腳傷有多嚴重。同時可描寫一上車發現沒位子坐時當下的心情。After standing for few minutes, I felt acute pain in my ankle. I started to look around to find seat again and found a girl sitting on the priority seat. She seemed to be absorbed in her novel and was insensitive to whatever happened around her.(評)重整架構,讓文句更俐落緊密。建議改成:站了一會,我的腳開始發疼。我多麼希望坐在我前方博愛座上專心看書的女孩可讓座給我。My ankle got more and more painful that I stood closer to the girl and hoped she could discover my hurt feet. Before long, the girl saw me and quickly yielded the seat to me. As soon as I sat down, the situation that I occupied the priority seat and neglected the old man's pain came up to my mind.(評)回憶…發生的「景象」需用scene of N。「…湧上心頭」需用came to my mind。Not until that moment did I come to realize it was cold-hearted of me to turn a blind eye to the vulnerable. Since then, I have made a decision of lending a helping hand to the weak instead of ignoring them.


    一修:針對初稿,老師親自批閱,不逐字修,以劇情鋪陳是否合理,初步句構是否正確為批改重點。批閱後再寄回給同學,請同學再次改寫。

    After finishing a long school day, I took the MRT to go home. When I got on the car, I was so lucky to find a seat. Though it was a priority seat, I still sat down without hesitation because I was really tired.(評)tired和接下來一直玩手機有衝突。As soon as I sat down, I had my cellphone out and started to scroll through enthusiastic updates on Facebook and responded messages on Line. While I was busy typing text messages to my friends, I noticed a white-haired old man stand in front of me. He suffered from shaking in legs when standing and seemed to collapse at any moment.(評)再重整文意會更漂亮。建議:He couldn't stop his legs from shaking or twitching and seemed to collapse at any moment。I knew I should yield the seat to him, but tired as I was, I pretended that I wasn't aware of him.評)tired 這個梗不適用,要修。I kept typing my messages and also played a few rounds of my favorite cellphone games, Candy Crush. I ignored the dirty looks and whispers from other passengers. Although I felt a little ashamed, I was busy refreshing my Facebook feeds and “likes” friends’ posts until I got to my destination.

    A few days later, I played a basketball game during the PE class. Just at the moment that I ran to guard against Johnny, I bumped into Robert. It was such a hard hit that I bloodied my nose and sprained my ankle. After receiving careful examination and treatment, I was told to walk on crutches by the doctor until my ankle was healing.

    This morning, I dragged my feet to get on the MRT and walked clumsily on crutches. Looking around, I was disappointed to find all the seats were occupied. After standing for few minutes, I felt acute pain in my ankle. I started to look around to find seats again and found a girl sitting on the priority seat. My ankle got more and more painful that I stood closer to the girl and hoped she could discover my difficulty.  However, she seemed to be absorbed in her novel and was insensitive to whatever happened around her.(評)劇情先後順序有些錯亂,句子需重整。建議:發現女孩坐在博愛座 > 女孩全神貫注看小說 > 你心中祈禱能引起女孩注意。Fortunately, my prayers were soon heard. Seeing my miserable suffering, the girl leapt to her feet and yielded the seat to me. As soon as I sat down, the scene of my neglecting the frail old man and occupying the priority seat came to my mind. Not until this moment did I come to realize it was cold-hearted of me to turn a blind eye to the vulnerable. Since then, I have made a decision of lending a helping hand to those in need instead of ignoring them.


    二修:下周上課,老師領著同學一起完成細部調整,調整方向涵蓋用字 / 文法 / 句型 / 文章結構 / 劇情邏輯等等,二修即最終定稿。定稿後,學生接著背誦自己的文章,將單字句構進一步內化。

    After finishing a long school day, I went home by MRT. When I got on the car, I was so lucky to find a seat. Though it was a priority seat, I sat down without hesitation anyway. As soon as I took the seat, I had my cellphone out, switching between scrolling through enthusiastic updates on Facebook and responding messages on Line. While I was busy typing text messages to my friends, I noticed a white-haired old man stand in front of me. He couldn't stop his legs from shaking and twitching and seemed to collapse at any moment. I knew I should yield the seat to him; however, I was reluctant to give up the comfort of sitting back and using my cellphone. I pretended he was invisible, keeping playing a few rounds of my favorite cellphone games, Candy Crush. I ignored the dirty looks and whispers from other passengers. Although I felt a little ashamed, I then immersed myself in refreshing my Facebook feeds and “likes” friends’ posts until I got to my destination.

    A few days later, I played a basketball game during the PE class. Just at the moment that I ran to guard against Johnny, I bumped into Robert. It was such a hard hit that I bloodied my nose and sprained my ankle. After receiving careful examination and treatment, I was told to walk on crutches by the doctor until my ankle was healing.

    This morning, I dragged my feet to get on the MRT and walked clumsily on crutches. Looking around, I was disappointed to find all the seats were occupied. After standing for few minutes, I felt excruciating pain in my ankle. In front of me was a priority seat. The girl sitting in it seemed to be absorbed in her novel and was insensitive to whatever happened around her. I prayed wholeheartedly that she would notice me struggling on crutches and kindly offered me her seat. Fortunately, my prayers were soon heard. Seeing my miserable suffering, the girl leapt to her feet and yielded the seat to me. As soon as I sat down, the scene of my neglecting the frail old man and occupying the priority seat came to my mind. Not until this moment did I come to realize how cold-hearted I was to turn a blind eye to the vulnerable. Since then, I have made a decision to lend a helping hand to those in need instead of ignoring them.




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