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托福作文分享(一)

Posted on
  • 2016-06-26

  • 今天和大家分享「電腦托福」李同學課後完成的命題寫作一篇。從以下並陳的三篇作文,不難看出透過一次次修改,同學已一步步地累積出她的寫作能量。

    感謝 輔仁大學.李同學 的分享

    (李同學今年六月托福寫作已有 22 分的實力,期盼 12 月二度挑戰時可更上層樓,讓我們一起努力吧!)
    題目︰
    It has been recently announced that a new restaurant will be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose the plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.
    (初稿)老師提示寫作方向和詞彙片語後,請同學於週間完成初稿,並寄電腦托福教學指定信箱。文中桃紅色為拼字或文法錯誤之處。

    I oppose the plan of building a new restaurant in my neighborhood. You might think that having a new restaurant allow you to eat nice meal very day but actually it will truly cause disadvantages far more than advantages. (評:雖有小文法錯誤,但條理清晰,開頭開得不錯。)

    Let me pick three of them as examples.(評:文意不夠清楚,建議換詞)First, a new restaurant, as you think, can definitely attract the crowd, which will surely catch us in the traffic jam. With so many cars parking and people lining up nearby my house, the street become narrow. I cannot go outside easily by driving a car, riding a bike, or even walking.(評:在這裡加個起承轉合詞,標示第二個論點的開展。)Lots of people will also bring noises and trash. They may throw their garbage such as bottles, tissue papers and disposable tableware on the street. Second, the type of customers the new restaurant will bring into our neighborhood is what I really concern. A small family restaurant would not be a problem but if it is going to have a bar or dance hall, then there could cause problems. The restaurant might close up late and people leaving the restaurant might be drunk. This kind of situation will definitely lead to fights, noises and polices’ coming. Lastly, the excessive exhaust emission of the restaurant is a big advantage. To me, fresh air is the most important thing in my life so as water to fish. Constantly inhale the exhaust from the restaurant kitchen will also let my neighbor come down with asthma, cancer and allergy. (評:可再細說廚房油煙為何對人體健康的危害如此嚴重。)

    By what I have mentioned, building a new restaurant is definitely bad to everyone in my neighborhood. Though all of us may can be convenient when we are hungry, I think our health and life quality will be more important. I will strongly oppose to the plan and live in the fresh air.

    (一修)老師領著同學一起完成細部調整,調整方向涵蓋用字/ 文法/ 句型/ 文章結構/ 劇情邏輯等等。

    The reasons why I am against the proposal of incorporating a new restaurant into my community are threefold. First, the opening of a new restaurant, as you might think, can definitely attract the crowd, which ends up causing chaotic traffic and getting local residents stuck in the traffic jam. With so many cars parking and people lining up nearby my house, the streets might become narrow or even blocked. I cannot go outside easily by driving a car, riding a bike, or even walking. Besides, lots of people will also bring noises and trash. They may throw their garbage such as bottles, tissue papers and disposable tableware on the street. Second, the type of customers the new restaurant will bring into our neighborhood is what I really concern. A small family restaurant would not be a problem but if it is a bar or dance hall, then there could raise safety concerns with all sorts of issues. The late-night bars and clubs, serving alcohol,  might foster a dangerous environment of binge drinking, public urination, vomiting, brawls and arrests every day.

    Lastly, the excessive exhaust from the restaurant ventilation system can be a big disadvantage. To me, fresh air is the most important thing in my life so as water to fish. Constant inhalation of smoke which contains various poisonous pollutants such as carbon monoxide would trigger respiratory illnesses and aggravate asthmatic symptoms. Besides, the exhaust drifting into our home can create indoor pollution, which is even more detrimental to our health. As a whole, we spend more time indoors than outdoors and the indoor air is re-circulated and can therefore become more concentrated with toxic substances.

    Based on I have mentioned, I strongly opposed a new restaurant in my neighborhood. Though all of us may be convenient when we are hungry, I think our health and life quality will be more important.

    (二修定稿)二修即最終定稿。定稿後,學生接著背誦自己的文章,將單字句構和文章架構等要素進一步內化。

    I strongly oppose the plan of building a new restaurant in my neighborhood. To some people, living near a new restaurant is convenient because it allows you to eat nice meals every day but actually, its feared disadvantages far outweigh the perceived advantages.

    The reasons why I am against the proposal of incorporating a new restaurant into my community are threefold. First, the opening of a new restaurant, as you might think, might attract a huge crowd, which could end up causing chaotic traffic and getting local residents stuck in the traffic jam. With so many cars parking and people lining up nearby my house, the streets might become narrow or even blocked. I cannot go outside easily by driving a car, riding a bike, or even walking. Besides, lots of people will also bring noises and trash. They may throw their garbage such as bottles, tissue papers and disposable tableware on the street. Second, the type of customers the new restaurant will bring into our neighborhood is what I really concern. A small family restaurant would not be a problem but if it is a late-night bar or club, then it could raise safety concerns with all sorts of issues. Serving alcohol, the facility might foster a dangerous environment of binge drinking, public urination, vomiting, brawls and arrests every day.

    Lastly, the excessive exhaust from the restaurant ventilation system can be a big disadvantage. To me, fresh air is the most important thing in my life so as water to fish. Constant inhalation of smoke which contains various poisonous pollutants such as carbon monoxide would trigger respiratory illnesses and aggravate asthmatic symptoms. In addition, the exhaust drifting into my home can create indoor pollution, which is definitely more detrimental to my health. After all, we spend more time indoors than outdoors as a whole and the indoor air is re-circulated and can therefore become more concentrated with toxic substances.

    Based on what I have mentioned above, I don’t regard opening a new restaurant in my neighborhood as a fabulous idea. Though having a restaurant within walking distance of my apartment is really convenient when I am hungry, I still think that my health and life quality are far more important.



    托福作文分享(一)

    托福作文分享(二)

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