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托福作文分享(二)

Posted on
  • 2016-10-06
  • 隨著 12 月留學申請季的逼近,托福家教同學也進入最後衝刺階段。後續將和大家分享「電腦托福」學員投入大半年心血後的寫作成果。讓我們一起努力吧!

    感謝 輔仁大學 李同學 的分享


    題目︰
    Holidays honor people or events. If you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor and how would you want people to celebrate it? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

    [初稿] 老師提示寫作方向和詞彙片語後,請同學於週間完成初稿,並寄電腦托福教學指定信箱。 

     On holidays, people take moments of break from their demanding work or stressful studies. (註:多餘,直接切入主題,用 There are lots of… 這句當引言就已足夠。)There are lots of national holidays. Some are dedicated to commemorating the great persons in our history and some festivals are held to celebrate our cultural or religious heritage. If I get a chance to create a holiday, it would be a “La Glacio Day,” which took place on the second Sunday of July.

    (註:第二 / 三段開展的方式為:說明發起活動的靈感/動機 (global warming) -> 舉例證明極端天候對人類生活造成的嚴重衝擊 -> 需大家立即採取行動解決問題) I would like to celebrate La Glacio on the second Sunday of July because I think that it is the hottest day of the year. The poor in those with hot summer country(註:應改成 those countries with hot summer。)will be the ones allowed to celebrate this special holidays for free(註:免費的理由是什麼?)Besides, I will also ask others to donate some money to the poor to provide them a better, safe living environment so that they do not need to live with the dying horror. (註:這段論點不合理,熱天(氣候變遷 / 全球暖化)不只影響窮人,而是影響了所有人。只是窮人更沒有資源因應極端天候的負面衝擊。)

    With the worsening of the global warming, countries such as Taiwan, Thailand and India become hotter and hotter.(註:下面只有點到 India 的狀況,所以略去Taiwan / Thailand,以India為例,仔細說明氣候變遷(極高溫)對印度人們生活的影響即可。)Even the asphalt road in India is getting melting. Some of the poor died in this scorching weather because they are lack of effective ways to lower the temperature. Therefore, I would like to hold La Glacio. On the one hand, everyone on the earth should be aware of the destructive power of the scorching weather, which can even kill people’s life. (註:奪命 = kill people = claim (或 take) people’s life。)On the other hand, I want to promote that everyone has the right to live in a comfortable weather. (註:急劇氣候變遷下,環境舒不舒適已不是 right (權利),而是 combat global warming/ protect the environment 之後才能享受到的。)

    (註:第四段,依據動機,設計活動,以達成減緩或反轉 global warming 的目的。)I would like to celebrate the event on the second Sunday of July because I think it is the hottest day. I will divide this event into the following three parts. First, I will hold a competition for people to show their most special and efficient way to cool down. Second, I will design a room for the visitors to experience the scorching weather and play movie about how terrible the environment will be if we keep wasting the resources. I believe once people truly figure out the world will be in the future(註:弄清什麼問題呢?建議: how serious the consequences would be。), they will much more cherish what they have today. (註:不是珍惜現在所有,而是馬上停止破壞,努力保護環境。)Lastly, I will also ask others to donate some money for researching the developing(註:research in the development of 這樣更好;還有更好的募款方式嗎?)the alternative energy. Developing alternative energy such as the solar energy and the tidal power require lots of money but everyone will be benefitted(註: benefit。)from the energy plan. Hopefully, the special holiday “La Glacio” can truly be held in the future and everyone can be aware of the terrible scorching weather problem.

    [ 二修定稿 ] 二修即最終定稿。定稿後,學生接著背誦自己的文章,將單字句構和文章架構等要素進一步內化。 

    There are lots of national holidays in Taiwan. Some are dedicated to commemorating outstanding figures in our history and other festivals are held to celebrate our cultural or religious heritage. If I get a chance to create a holiday, it would be “La Glacio Day,” which takes place on the second Sunday of July.

    The idea for a national holiday to focus on climate change solutions comes to my mind after I have witnessed the ravages of extreme weather conditions such as unusual droughts or frequent floods worldwide. For example, with the global warming worsening, the summer temperatures in India have hit record high, exceeding 50℃. As the record-breaking heat wave continues, residents there are having difficulty fighting the melting asphalt road when crossing the street as their shoes stick in softening tar. Abandoned sandals are seen scattered across the sticky roadway. What’s worse, many people died in this scorching weather because they are lack of food, water, or effective ways to prevent heat-related illnesses, including dehydration, heat exhaustion or stroke. In sum, the extreme weather has taken a heavy toll on people’s life. Therefore, I would like to hold La Glacio Day not only to raise people’s awareness of environmental protection but to prompt them to take immediate action to combat global warming.

    With the 3R’s principle—reduce, reuse, and recycle—in mind, I would like to celebrate the event in the following ways. First, I would hold a competition that challenges participants to come up with the most effective as well as energy-efficient ways to keep cool in the sweltering summer. Second, I will design various simulation rooms for the visitors to experience such natural disasters as severe snowstorms, flash floods or intense heat waves; movies about what irreversible damage we would cause to the environment if we keep exploiting and wasting the resources will also be played. I believe once people fully recognize the serious consequences, they will not hesitate to roll up their sleeves and pitch in to protect the planet. Lastly, I will organize a flea market to raise money for research in the development of clean, affordable, and sustainable energy sources such as solar energy and the tidal power, which would provide many benefits to business, humans and the environment. Hopefully, the special holiday “La Glacio” can be truly held in the future and my ideas can help the event run smoothly.


    托福作文分享(一)

    托福作文分享(二)

    IBT 電腦托福

     
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