提示：You are Andy. You were walking to grab lunch when you saw a crowd gathering around a building. You looked up and saw that someone was standing on the ledge, looking to jump. You heard a police officer close to you mention that the person was about to commit suicide. He also mentioned the person’s name, and it was someone you know – Tracy Brown!
Last Saturday afternoon, when Andy finished his lunch and walked out of the restaurant, he found Something unusual happen on the street.（評）句中有兩個動詞 found 和 happen。A crowd gathered under a skyscraper, all of whom looked shocked and worried. Out of curiosity, Andy looked up and saw a person（評）建議改成 lone figure（孤單的身影）更有戲劇性。standing on the edge of the top floor. He narrowed his lids so that he could see more clearly who the person was（評）建議改成 narrowed his eyes（瞇著眼）, struggling to make out（弄清楚 / 理解） who that was. Surprisingly, he recognized that it was his senior high school classmate, Tracy Brown. Andy was so shocked because Tracy had been an optimistic and friendly girl since he knew her. She used to do well on the academic performance and liked to help everyone in need. In Andy's memory, Tracy was a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart. Everyone liked to make friends with her.（評）重整段落，精簡重複和語意有落差處。「學業成績好」和「好個性 /人緣」無直接關聯可去除，多著重以前的她 「開朗 / 樂觀助人」凸顯今昔對比。However, on a class reunion after they graduated from school ten years later, he heard some bad news about Tracy.（評）將這句修成短句，短長或長短句交錯可讓文章節奏輕快。It was said that she fell in love with a lazy guy and after a serious fight with her parents,（評）加上爸媽強烈反對，之後再串到「大吵」這樣比較順。she moved out. In order to support her and her boyfriend's lives, Tracy dropped out from college and got a low-paid job. Seeing she stand on the edge and be aimed to commit a suicide,（評）這段長度到這已經蠻長了，建議從這起新的一段。第二段開頭加個句子來串連第一段結尾 Tracy 悲慘故事。Ex: Now seeing Tracy（或用 her）standing on the ledge and attempting suicide…。"aim to V原" 致力於 ... / 以 ... 為目標，後頭多半加好事，和 suicide 不合。Andy realized he should stop her. He rushed into the building and soon got to the top floor. He called Tracy's name slightly in fear of scaring her.（評）將 slightly 換掉，意思不合。「以免 / 惟恐」for fear of N 或 for fear that S + V。Andy then asked she to be far from（評）asked 後方加受詞，應改成 asked her to stay away from（遠離）the edge and think twice before she did anything that would hurt herself.（評）這句太理智，前一句才勸她離開屋簷，後一句建議寫些安撫情緒的話，同時也可描述你一上去看到 Tracy 時，Tracy 的情緒反應 / 臉部表情 / 動作，這樣比較有畫面和戲劇性。Fortunately, Tracy's parents and friends also came and successfully made Tracy leave the edge of the building. （評）使役動詞 made 有命令之意，語氣上較不合適，建議改成dissuade sb from Ving（勸阻某人做某事）。Andy was glad that there wasn't any tragedy happened （評）兩個動詞 wasn't / happened，寫作時，there is / there are / the thing / this 都是贅字，避免使用。In the end, I hoped Tracy could turn back to the happy girl he knew as soon as possible.
二修：下周上課，老師領著同學一起完成細部調整，調整方向涵蓋用字 / 文法 / 句型 / 文章結構 / 劇情邏輯等等，二修即最終定稿。定稿後，學生接著背誦自己的文章，將單字句構進一步內化。
Last Saturday afternoon, when Andy finished his lunch and walked out of the restaurant, something unusual happened on the street. A crowd gathered under a skyscraper, all of whom looked shocked and worried. Out of curiosity, Andy looked up and saw a lone figure standing on the edge of the top floor. He narrowed his eyes, struggling to make out who that was. Surprisingly, he recognized that it was his senior high school classmate, Tracy Brown. Andy was so shocked. How could he possibly forget Tracy? She had been the most popular girl at school. With a beautiful heart, she never hesitated to help those in need. Her infectious optimism, kindness and sense of humor made her much loved by everyone around her. However, her life had changed beyond all recognition since three years ago. When attending his first ten year class reunion, Andy heard some bad news about Tracy. It was said that she fell in love with a lazy guy who lived off women. After a fierce argument with her parents, who were completely against their relationship, Tracy moved out. In order to support her and her boyfriend's lives, Tracy dropped out from college and got a low-paid job.
Now seeing Tracy standing on the edge of the building and attempting suicide, he couldn't help wondering what had happened to her; meanwhile, he thought to himself that he had to stop her right away. He rushed into the building and soon got to the top floor. He opened the stairwell door and there was Tracy rocking back and forth in a frenzy. He called Tracy's name softly for fear that any loud voice would scare her. As he watched her lips quiver, he said, "I know you think life sucks. It doesn’t always get you what you want. But what I am trying to tell you is that you can't possibly see into the future and you don't know what tomorrow holds for you. You just have to wait and see." Seeing a little life creep back into her eyes, Andy held out his hand. "Life is like a roller-coaster," Andy went on saying, "if you get down in the middle, you'll miss the best part of it. Now would you please step down from the ledge?" Tracy hesitated but slowly reached up to slip her hand in his, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Thank you," she whispered in his ear while crying all over his shoulder. He then tugged her into a tight hug. Andy was glad that Tracy didn't jump off the skyscraper to end her life. He hoped that Tracy could soon get back to normal life and become the old witty, optimistic Tracy that he had once known so well.