|It was such a leisure afternoon that people in the city came out and took a breath of the fresh air. It was just the time that students started to enjoy their summer vacation . Undoubtedly, people that were in uniforms were all walking in a bounce in their steps. （評）鋪梗鋪太長，且和圖中主角無直接相關，無加分效果，建議精簡成一句帶過，然後直接切入圖中主角。At the same time, Jonathan and his best friend Anna walked together shoulder by shoulder. Different from others, they were not even saying a word to each other, on the contrary, they were both busy with their cellphone. （評）拉長句子後，同學們常犯的錯誤之一：缺連接詞，光靠逗號無法連接different from …each other 和 on the…cellphone這兩句。Anna was keeping up a running conversation with a Internet friend instead of the friend just standing by her side. Jonathan, as well as Anna, was busy on his cellphone. He was enjoying the music with the volume up to the maximum level in his normal routine.
Just at that time, something terrible happened. Anna screamed with a bloody nose and sat on the ground with tears in her eyes. （評）先寫 Anna 撞到樹，再寫尖叫和受傷，這樣邏輯比較順。She just bumped into the tree but how exaggerated Jonathan is that he wasn't conscious about this. （評）用字不妥—exaggerate 意指 stretch the truth (誇大事實)。How…is 為感嘆句，he wasn't…又是一句，兩句無重疊之處，所以用 that 關代連接為錯誤的寫法。He kept walking with the headphone covering his ears. He didn't care about anything that was happening around him even when he was walking across the street. He didn't appear to hear the anxious driver sounding his horns, he just kept walking in a slow path. （評）缺連接詞，光靠逗號無法連接He…horns和 he…pace這兩句。Suddenly, Jonathan disappeared from the pedestrians' sight, he just fell into a enormous hole on the road and was sent to the hospital in a hurry.（評）缺連接詞，光靠逗號無法連接Jonathan…sight 和 he…road 這兩句。且之前未提到有路人注視 Jonathan，所以disappeared from the pedestrian's sight 有些突兀。
After this incident, Jonathan and Anna stay away from their smartphones. （評）stay away from N（離 … 遠遠的）這結論太嚴厲了些，建議提出正確使用手機的方式。They were aware that electronic devices are impacting their safety. They had learnt their lessons in a hard way.
|It was such a relaxing afternoon that people in the city all went to the center park for a breath of fresh air. It was just the time that students started to enjoy their summer vacation. Undoubtedly, students were all prancing about with delight and chatting with their best friends on the street. （評）鋪梗部分還是太長，people in the city…等說法和圖上主題無關，可刪去。undoubtedly較常用在論說文，放在看圖說故事裡感覺語氣較生硬。Different from others, Jonathan and his best friend Anna were not even saying a word to each other; on the contrary, they seem to be keeping their smartphone near them from the moment they woke up until the moment they went to bed. （評）on the contrary用在論說文，放在看圖說故事裡語氣較生硬。說完雖是好友卻未交談後，應接著說為何沒交談（例如：忙著玩手機…），keeping…went to bed 這句顯然多餘，反而切斷說故事的流暢度。Anna was keeping up a running conversation with an Internet friend instead of the friend just standing by her side. Jonathan, and also Anna, was listening to blaring music through his headphones. （評）Anna 是玩手機，而非聽音樂，所以不需用and also Anna。Even when his headphones were clamped to his head others could hear every single lyric of his favorite song.
Just at that time, something terrible happened. Anna screamed with a bloody nose and sat on the ground with tears in her eyes. （評）建議事件陳述順序如下：Anna撞樹 > Anna受傷 > Jonathan 沒注意到，因為他正大聲聽音樂 > 描寫音樂有多大聲 > 所以沒聽到喇叭聲 > 差點被輾過。She just bumped into the tree but Jonathan was immersed in the lead singer's raspy vocals, the band searing guitars solos catchy, and the rock tunes with heartfelt lyrics. He kept walking with the headphone covering his ears. He didn't care about anything that was happening around him even when he was walking across the street. He didn't hear the anxious driver sounding his horns. All of the pedestrians were looking at him with a strange look. Suddenly, he disappeared from the pedestrians' sight, he just fell into an enormous hole and all the people who award this came to him and reached him out. （評）award (授予/ 判定)為單字誤用，可改成 witness (目擊)。reach out (伸出)為片語誤用，可改成lend him a helping hand。Jonathan was then treated in the hospital emergency room. （評）從 reach out 到 was then treated 過程有斷層，建議：Jonathan was then rushed to the emergency room. After this incident, they were aware that electronic devices are impacting their safety and made them learnt their lesson in a hard way （評）邏輯不順。不是手機讓他們 learn a lesson the hard way，而是自己不良的手機使用習慣造成受傷送醫的結果。so that they limit the frequency of using cellphones and turning off the alert signals while walking.
二修：下週上課，老師領著同學一起完成細部調整，調整方向涵蓋用字 /文法 / 句型 / 文章結構 / 劇情邏輯等等，二修即最終定稿。定稿後，學生接著背誦自己的文章，將單字句構進一步內化。
|Celebrating the start of the summer vacation, students pranced about with delight, chatting fervently with friends along the road. Unlike their peers, Jonathan and his best friend Anna walked side by side without exchanging a look or a word with each other. Both of them were heavy smartphone users with eyes glued to the screen at any given moment. As usual, Anna was busy switching between keeping up a running conversation with her Internet friends, scrolling through enthusiastic updates on Facebook, and playing a few rounds of cellphone games. The lure of the cellphone was too powerful for her to concentrate on whoever she was with in person and what was happening in her surroundings. Suddenly, she bumped into a tree in front of her, lost her balance, and landed head first on the ground. With blood and bruises all over her face, she let out a shrill cry that summoned passersby. A kind woman offered to give Anna a ride to a nearby hospital.
Meanwhile, Jonathan was totally unaware of Anna’s tragic accident. Wearing his headphones and cranking up the volume on his favorites, he was immersed in the lead singer's raspy vocals and the band’s searing guitars solos. When walking across the street, he didn't avoid the oncoming car. He didn't hear the anxious driver sounding his horns. All of the pedestrians looked at him curiously. In the next second, he fell into an enormous hole and disappeared from everyone’s sight. Several people scrambled to come to his rescue. Jonathan was then rushed to the hospital emergency room. Both Anna and Jonathan learned their lessons from the incidents the hard way. Aware that cellphones may impact their safety greatly, they decided to reduce cellphone use and turned off the alert signals while walking.
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